Joke of the Day

[snowbird]

MODS I HOPE IT IS O.K.

I notice that we do not have a section dedicated to this, so I've decided to create a thread. Please feel free to post 'nice clean jokes' here......

[snowbird]

"What do you call a Snow Man with a tan" ? A puddle :lol: :lol:

(told to me by my six year old grand child)

[dancerboy]

I was hired by a citrus company in FLORIDA to pack oranges. I got 'CANNED', because my boss say i couldn't 'CONCENTRATE'. Well ah beat the boss to 'PULP'


DANCERBOY

[bluenote492000]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
“Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.


"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple…


The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for,it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs....
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[kemist]

when i heard this one i was like half drunk so it was kinda funny............

Just before his next case, a magistrate was reviewing it, and was shocked to see it was about assault, involving two men, one of them was blind, the blind man allegedly being the aggressor..

When the case began, the magistrate asked the blind man to explain.

The blind man replied : yuh onna, dey tell meh dat this man was mocking meh. And ah hear him insulting meh with insults!

I ask him to stop it and he say :Wha yuh go do? Hit meh?

Then i asked him : Wha YOU go do if ah really hit yuh?

He say : hit meh nah, hit meh nah, and yuh go see!

So yuh onna, ah hit him.
:D

[neilrmp]

"Factory Owner"

"The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise
visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he
noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner
angrily.




"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and
said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come
back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has
that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just
here to deliver a pizza!"

[neilrmp]

"Lawyer Jokes

BMW

"A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[cocoa]

A woman needed blood to save her life so her boyfriend gave her the blood. Then they broke up and her boyfriend asked her back for his blood. She pulled out her tampon and said "i'll pay you monthly installments."

[dancerboy]

A man was driving along the road,when he suddenly ran out of gas. As he opened his hood a bee flew in and ask him what's the problem. He said i think i ran out of gas. The bee left and came back with a swarm of bees, and flew into the man's tank. The queen bee then ask the man to start the car. As soon as he turned the key the car started up immediately. He asked the queen bee 'WHAT DID U PUT IN MY TANK ? THE BEE REPLIED BP.

DANCERBOY

[snowbird]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his
new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He
promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would
ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied
with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin." :lol:

[serenity]

Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And, insiders believe, as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it.

John Edwards’ poll numbers have not moved at all. It’s like his hair.

[serenity]

Rules for taking a shyt at work...hilarious!

ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[neilrmp]

"A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you how."

[kemist]

Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls.


They are very drunk and as the walk home was taking longer than expected,
find themselves desperate for a wee.


As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and
relieve themselves behind the headstones.


As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves
with.


The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards,
which is what she does.


The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it, but
notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all
over it.


One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick, expensive
ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers
towards her, and uses the ribbon. Their task completed, they continue
staggering home.


Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the
second.


'We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on
last night!'


'You think you've got problems!' exclaims the second husband. 'My wife came
home with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you - from
all the lads at the fire station'! '

[kemist]

Men Speak Out


> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
> never be able to support you. ---------------
> -----------------------------------------------------
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
> Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> ----------------------------------------------------------- --------
> Why do men pass gas more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to
> Build up the required pressure.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
> front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told
> ------------------- ------------------------------------------------
> I married a Miss Right.
> I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
> by 90%
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
> with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> Then God created Man and rested.
> Then God created Woman.
> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few
> women who can handle the truth!

[KFCSpicy]

^^^^

Oh Kemist...that calls for a beat down :lol:

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I cant marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.



Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account.'
He continues: 'If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.



However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?' At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man shoulder and tells him, 'Son...You will SCREW her again..

[serenity]

Each Friday night after work, Charlo wud fire up his outdoor grill andcook wild meat. But, all of Charlo's neighbors were Catholic....Andsince it was Lent, dey was forbidden from eating meat on Good Friday. De delicious aroma from de wild meat was causing such a problem for deCatholic faithful that dey finally talked to their priest. De Priestcame to visit Charlo, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Charlo attended Mass.....and as depriest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You was born a Baptist,and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Charlo's neighbors was greatly relieved, until next Good Friday nightarrived, and de wonderful aroma of Tatoo filled de neighborhood. DePriest was called immediately by de neighbors, and, as he rushed intoCharlo's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to bouf him, he stoppedand watched in amazement. There stood Charlo, clutching a small bottle of holy water which hecarefully sprinkled over de grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born aTatoo, you wuz raised a Tatoo, but now you is a saltfish."

[serenity]

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."


The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[littleone]

Did you hear Monica Lewinksy is voting republican this year? She said the democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

[kemist]

6 reasons not to mess with children (this is cute)
________________________________________
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

-------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

--------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

----------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
----------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty." :lol:
-----------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

__________________________________________________ ________

[kemist]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????
__________________________________________________ ____________
Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? :?:
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? :twisted:
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?







----------------------------------------------------------------------------





Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
__________________

[strombo23]

"I recieved a txt message today from my boy Tarrance. He said "Dog, you gotta come and help me man. They got me locked up in jail for being the ugliest s.o.b. they have ever seen. Man, you gotta come get me and show them that they got the wrong person man."

:D

i thought it was sort of funny.

[strombo23]

If Garry Coleman throws something at you, there is no need to duck. Just jump. :lol:

[kemist]

A naked orange was charged with indecent exposure. What did he do when he lost the case?
went to the court of a peels.

what does a frog get when his car breaks down?

toad.

[kemist]

two fleas (adult joke)







two fleas decided to spend the night on a woman. one went on her head and the other in her crotch (you know where).
next morning, they met. the flea from the head said that he slept like a baby. the other said : boy i couldnt sleep at all - whole night some bald head jack@$$ was sticking he head through meh window and vomiting on meh!

[guyguy]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the kerb.

'No! five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!'

He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

[guyguy]

Ref: Save the Airline!

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances .

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[kemist]

doh mess with Chin..


Mootilal went to a shop to buy onion. As he saw Mr Chin, the shopkeeper,
Mootilal : Aye Chin, leh meh geh 2 poun ah onion dey.
Chin : sorry Mooti me have no onion.
Mootilal :buh Chin geh meh at least ah poun nah boy.
Chin : Ah tell yuh me ha no onion!
Mootilal : Chin yuh cyar even spare meh at least one onion boy?

At this point chin was getting aggravated with mootilal

Chin : Ah have a riddle fuh yuh. If yuh take out de knife from de word breadknife, what yuh get?
Mootilal : knife in breadknife, take that away, yuh get BREAD!
Chin : correct! now if yuh take out de spoon from tablespoon what yuh get?
Mootilal : take away spoon in table spoon yuh get TABLE!
Chin : now if yuh take out de fork from onion, what you get?
Mootilal (after thinking a while): buh Chin it eh have no fork in onion.
Chin : well that is what me trying to tell you - me have no F*****g onion!

[kemist]

for the brits......



what member in the british military pays a rental fee to use the bathroom facilities?

the lieu-tenant

[strombo23]

meh eh ha no fork in onion :lol:

ah like dat one.

[neilrmp]

"Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are
interchangeable."

[neilrmp]

"Student-Teacher Exchanges"


1. TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
ago.
WILLIE: Me!

7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

11. TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

12. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

13. TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

[neilrmp]

"Which One Is Right"

"There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts".

[kemist]

Husband #11]






A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he would look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

" Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order he didn't know when he would be able to deliver

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but He wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

" Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..........
God I miss him!
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...... This time I KNOW I'M gonna Get SCREWED."

[neilrmp]

That is funny..

[KFCSpicy]

Sup neilrmp?

Joke today for me was Martin Joseph offering his services to already desperate Guyana. :shock: He reallllllllllllllll funny or in denial.

[dancerboy]

Some nudist went up in de bush in T&T and erected a camp enclosed by a ten foot fence. One morning the camp leader noticed a hole in fence and he called the local police station. He told the inspector, who answered the phone, that there is a hole in the fence at the nudist camp. The inspector repiled that he was aware of it, and THE POLICE ARE LOOKING INTO IT.


DANCERBOY

[kemist]

The Media

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says
- Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.

- Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.

- Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?

- A Harley Davidson.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:


BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT

[kemist]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.


After a while he lets her order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally you drink the lime
juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he
finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus,
what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "BLOWJOB REVENGE"

[Jenny]

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

[kemist]

AND THATS WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED..........



I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it, the other driver was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, 'WHY ARE YOU SMILING? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M HAPPY, I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
.... and that's when the fight began!

[neilrmp]

Engineers Terminologies

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken

[serenity]

AND THATS WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED..........



I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it, the other driver was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, 'WHY ARE YOU SMILING? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M HAPPY, I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
.... and that's when the fight began!


U nearly killed me with this one! :lol:

[kemist]

A spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz.."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be
of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

[kemist]

Why it is so cool to be a man

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

Same work, more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

[kemist]

Heaven vs. hell
While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “I'd like to let you in, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: Don’t bother I’ve already made up my mind I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[dancerboy]

A man got on a bus and sat next to a nun. He said he had never had sex wid ah nun, and wanted to have sex wid her. Of course she rebuffed him. When she reached her destination she got off the bus. The driver, then told the man that if he went to the cemetery on sunday night he will find the nun there praying, and she is always willing to have an affair. On sunday he went to the cemetery, dressed as a priest and sure nuff he saw the nun praying. He saw her bending down and approached her from behind, and said he was a messenger from god and wanted to have sex wid her. She replied that if that's god wish, she would comply. When he was done he pulled of his priestly diguise, and said i am de same guy whose advances you rebuffed on the bus last friday. She pulled of her habit, and said i am the same bus driver who tell u, that you will find the nun in de cemetery.

DANCERBOY

[serenity]

Two fellas walking down d road wen one ah dem bawl, "How sad - a dead bird”. The other man looked UP and say, "Where?"

[serenity]

There was two muffins in an oven.one muffin says,"we in ah oven".the other muffin says,"WHA D ASS!a talkin muffin!"

[KFCSpicy]

Dem muffins like dey had corn in dem...dat joke corny as hell.





If you don't laugh at this one, your dead!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

[serenity]

WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobic instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

---------------------------------


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

---------------------------------


TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobb ly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

---------------------------------


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

---------------------------------


THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


---------------------------------


FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,anemic, anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
the choir director?

---------------------------------

SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


---------------------------------

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[kemist]

what's a '710' ?


A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 7 10 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here


This won't work when you click on it , but it was the oil filler cap 710 upside down is OIL

[kemist]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.
She's such a xxxxx.

[KFCSpicy]

A smile to begin your day with...............

Love in mental hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound
mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

[dancerboy]

A nurse in a mental ward noticed a patient looking very sad, and asked what's the matter. The patient replied that his penis had died. The nurse extended her condolences and kept working. Three days after she saw the patient with his penis exposed. She said to him. i thought you said that your penis was dead. He replied yes, but today is the viewing. BY DE WAY DE PATIENT IS A MAN.

DANCERBOY

[guyguy]

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York for the Labor Day weekend.To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

"The next night it was the Jamaican's turn. In the morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot.They said , "Man , what happened to you? You look awful!" He said , "Man , that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

"The third night was the Trinidadian turn. Frank was a big burly tough wrestler. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper. "Good morning," he said . The others couldn't believe it!
They said , "Man , what happened?

"He said , "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night .............
He sat up and watched me all night long."

[dancerboy]

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York for the Labor Day weekend.To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

"The next night it was the Jamaican's turn. In the morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot.They said , "Man , what happened to you? You look awful!" He said , "Man , that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

"The third night was the Trinidadian turn. Frank was a big burly tough wrestler. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper. "Good morning," he said . The others couldn't believe it!
They said , "Man , what happened?

"He said , "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night .............
He sat up and watched me all night long." This is the joke of the month. But, then today the first day of the month

DANCERBOY

[kemist]

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York for the Labor Day weekend.To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

"The next night it was the Jamaican's turn. In the morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot.They said , "Man , what happened to you? You look awful!" He said , "Man , that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

"The third night was the Trinidadian turn. Frank was a big burly tough wrestler. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper. "Good morning," he said . The others couldn't believe it!
They said , "Man , what happened?

"He said , "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night .............
He sat up and watched me all night long."


:lol: :lol: :lol:

[serenity]

Dedicated to Sheppy.

Ques: Which letter of the alphabet is a Police Officer?




Answer: Q











Why?: Bec QRSTU and V

[dancerboy]

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York for the Labor Day weekend.To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

"The next night it was the Jamaican's turn. In the morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot.They said , "Man , what happened to you? You look awful!" He said , "Man , that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

"The third night was the Trinidadian turn. Frank was a big burly tough wrestler. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper. "Good morning," he said . The others couldn't believe it!
They said , "Man , what happened?

"He said , "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night .............
He sat up and watched me all night long."


:lol: :lol: :lol: Great joke, never heard dat one b4.


DANCERBOY

[kemist]

Chinese sick day


Hung Chow calls into work and says 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.



I be at work soon......... You got nice house.'

[kemist]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[serenity]

A woman just gave birth to a baby in the hospital.

As soon as she recovered, the doctor came in to speak with her:

"Your baby is in good health but there is something important I need to tell u."

The woman became worried "Whats the matter with my baby...tell me please, whats wrong??"

"Theres nothing wrong really, but your baby is a little....different. He's a hermaphrodite."

"Hermaphrodite??? What is that?"

"Well, it means that your baby is... that he has...all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman."

"Oh my god! ...U mean he has a penis and a brain?!"

[dancerboy]

A woman just gave birth to a baby in the hospital.

As soon as she recovered, the doctor came in to speak with her:

"Your baby is in good health but there is something important I need to tell u."

The woman became worried "Whats the matter with my baby...tell me please, whats wrong??"

"Theres nothing wrong really, but your baby is a little....different. He's a hermaphrodite."

"Hermaphrodite??? What is that?"

"Well, it means that your baby is... that he has...all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman."

"Oh my god! ...U mean he has a penis and a brain?!" Ah never knew women had 'penises'.

DANCERBOY

[guyguy]

Ah never knew women had 'penises'.

DANCERBOY
Bahahahahaha .... Best comeback of the decade .... hahahahahahahaha.

[KFCSpicy]

^^^^ :roll: Just goes to show that men really eh have brains. De two ah all yuh incorrigible.

[kemist]

Mole story




Mole Family

papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....




MOLEASSES!

[kemist]

TEST- how would you answer if you were harry?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that is associated with a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....

[neilrmp]

"Wise thoughts on everything"
1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

2. Life is sexually transmitted.

3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.

5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that
it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung
around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I
think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.

[kemist]

The Ring

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[kemist]

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now!

[serenity]

Subject: The 4 stages of trini love


Ah yes the universal truth, LOVE. Everybody falls in love sometime,
everybody needs somebody sometime (I know someone famous sang that, I
just can't remember who). All of us have been in LOVE at one point.
Love, Amor, Amour, Liebe, Amore, call it what you want, it happens.
But nobody could fall in Love like a Trini. We have stages of love and
yuh boy goin to elaborate the schematics of this ting call love:

STAGE 1 - BAZODEE - Pronounced (Bah-Zoh-Deeeeeeeeee)
The boy meets the girl and buterflies fill his stomach. Every touch is
electric, every glance is dramatic, he lingers on her every word. The
sun reflecting off the morning dew reminds him of the way her eyes
twinkle when the moonlight catches them. The time away seems like an
eternity and when he sees her nothing else matters. He calls everyday
and brings flowers on every date, he even writes her name on the back
of his work pass so she will always be close to his heart.

STAGE 2 - Tutoulbay - Pronounced (Tut-ool-bay)
The girl's boss complains that she takes to many personal calls on the
company phone, so the boy buys her a cell phone and pays the bill too.
He doesnt want her tainted and ogled by the miscreants on the
Maxi-Taxi so he decides to drop her to work and pick her up every day.
This poses a dilema beacause she works further than him. No Problem.
He picks her up at home and gives her the car, so she drops him to
work and keeps the car for the day. His friends dont exist anymore
because she said that they are too crass and he drinks too much during
the week. He takes her shopping and holds the bags, he even sits on
the benches in the middle of the mall while she has her Mani/ Pedi/
Hair day. Oh yes AMORE!!

STAGE 3 - Tabanca - Pronounced (Tah-Bank-Ahhhhhhhh)
So one day while she's shopping in Pennywise and he is sitting outside
in the car waiting, he notices that she left her phone (which he
bought and still pays bills for) by the hand brakes. Curiousity wins,
he picks it up, 'New Message'.... yuh boy cyah help it, he read the
message. 'Yesterday was great. Same time tommorow. Your body is
HOTT'.....But what de Muddah #@$%??? Who de fokk texting my woman so?
Cigarette light up one time. The vein on the forehead start to bulge.
Leg shaking like dat. She returns from Pennywise and tries to hand him
his Credit Card. 'Who de fokk is Andre, where he see you yesterday and
how de fokk he know yuh body hot??' she reels for a second...'Oh
Andre.....am he is my trainer...at the gym and he was commenting on my
progress, you know i go to the gym to look good for you baby'.....yuh
hear lie!!!....So yuh boy calm dong, or so she thinks. Ah fellah
called Cudjoe (for you Trinis that don't know, Cudjoe is a Private
Detective Agency, yes we have dat in Trinidad). Cudjoe follow she for
a week and reports to Mr. Loverman. 'Sir she has been going to the
gym, TO PICK UP ANDRE, and then they proceded to Econo Guest House
(before Jo Sing Pasta in Kelly.... I Think LOL) they spent 2 hours and
then she came to pick you up.' WHAT DE MUDDAH #@$%!!!!! As she reach
is cuss...'Yuh fokkin hoe, gimme meh damn phone!', PASHAW (Trinidadian
Onomatapia for the sound of something breaking) the phone hit the
ground. 'Ah goh kill yuh Muddah #@%$, after all i do for you, dat is
how u go repay me???.' 'But honey..' she attempts to speak. 'Doh
fokkin honey me, i know bout you and Andre and fokkin Econo Guest
house'.........she breaks down in tears 'You were smothering me, i
found comfort in Andre's arms, I need space'....'Space??' he fires
back 'Is Muddah #@$% space yuh want?? Yuh is a fokkin
astronaut??'....she begins to cry uncontollably. Meanwhile the Rapid
Response 999 vehicle noticed the comotion, one time they done assume
he ress a cut ass on she. Of course she cyah stop cryin so she can't
confirm or deny the allegation( conveniently). Is jail in he ass!!!


STAGE 4 - Foofooloomps - Pronounced (Fou-Fou-Loumps)
After a good cut ass from the police followed the next morning by
sincere apologies for the 'misunderstanding'. He sits at home, calls
in sick for work for two weeks. Radio is stuck on 97 (Love Hurts by
Nazereth is playing). The man doh answer no calls. He stop shaving and
bathing, only on a have to must to basis. He tried calling her
4,345,876 times everyday to say he sorry and he want to make back up.
She mother change the home number. Das it!!! He pick up the SHARP CD
player and he gone. There he stands baring his soul playing 'Baby Come
Back - Vanessa Hudgens'. The window cracks, his heart leaps, a shadow
appears....it's Andre and he is informed that a restraining order was
taken out and the police are on the way. Not wanting the same royal
treatment from the cops, he exits stage left. He was last seen on
Curepe Junction drinking a bottle of Bay Rum singing 'Baby Come
Back.......

[Ali]

NURSERY RHYMES REVISITED

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Jack and Jill went up
the hill;
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill;
And now they have a son.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses, and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little
girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very
good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car

[kemist]

Larry gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the xxxx have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the xxxx were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would a person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed On his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
Right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[Jenny]

Why women take forever in public toilets!

When you have to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women, you smile politely and take your place, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every one is occupied..... but eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your knickers!!! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your handbag on a door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your knickers, and assume " The Position."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Position."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment when you reach for horror or horrors an empty toilet paper dispenser. Your thighs start to shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your handbag which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled 'used' tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door and because the latch doesn't work it hits your head which is bent over from holding the hanging handbag, and you start to topple backward. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just retrieved with your index finger into an unknown puddle on the floor.......if that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether and gravity pulls you down ...... down ..... directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course, you bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose into the bowl which sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs along with the various life forms and down into your dishevelled knickers which have now dropped down to your ankles. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe yourself with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps [new obviously from bath-store.com/martha's whatever], so you run your hands underneath it grateful for the 2 drops there, then around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move over to the hand blower, which, yes you've guessed it, also doesn't work.

You are no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there is an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the Men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loo's. It also finally explains to the men what really does take us so long and also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the loo in pairs. It's so the other one can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

[kemist]

very informative jenny :lol:

we men didnt really need to know all that :lol:

[kemist]

Side by Side
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
"You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck... get the fxxx away from me."

[KFCSpicy]

TWO TRINI BUSINESSMEN IN CHAGUANAS WERE SITTING DOWN FOR A BREAK IN THEIR SOON TO BE NEW STORE.

THE STORE WASN'T READY YET WITH ONLY A FEW SHELVES SET UP.

ONE SAID TO THE OTHER, 'AH BET ANY MINUTE NOW SOME CHUPIDEE GO PUT HE FACE IN THE WINDOW AND ASK WHAT WE SELLING'.

NO SOONER WERE THE WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHEN SURE ENOUGH A CURIOUS WINDOW SHOPPER WALKED TO THE WINDOW, HAD A PEEK, AND IN A LOUD VOICE ASKED,'WHAT ALL YUH SELLING HERE?'

ONE OF THE MEN REPLIED SARCASTICALLY,'WE SELLING ARSE-HOLES.'
WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, THE SHOPPER RESPONDED 'BOY, ALL YUH DOING GREAT........ONLY TWO LEFT!' :lol:

[serenity]

Funny...

[Falcon]

absolutely brilliant...who was the two?? Guy and Guy eh.......even dat kind caaan sell :twisted:

TWO TRINI BUSINESSMEN IN CHAGUANAS WERE SITTING DOWN FOR A BREAK IN THEIR SOON TO BE NEW STORE.

THE STORE WASN'T READY YET WITH ONLY A FEW SHELVES SET UP.

ONE SAID TO THE OTHER, 'AH BET ANY MINUTE NOW SOME CHUPIDEE GO PUT HE FACE IN THE WINDOW AND ASK WHAT WE SELLING'.

NO SOONER WERE THE WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHEN SURE ENOUGH A CURIOUS WINDOW SHOPPER WALKED TO THE WINDOW, HAD A PEEK, AND IN A LOUD VOICE ASKED,'WHAT ALL YUH SELLING HERE?'

ONE OF THE MEN REPLIED SARCASTICALLY,'WE SELLING ARSE-HOLES.'
WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, THE SHOPPER RESPONDED 'BOY, ALL YUH DOING GREAT........ONLY TWO LEFT!' :lol:

[guyguy]

absolutely brilliant...who was the two?? Guy and Guy eh.......even dat kind caaan sell :twisted:

TWO TRINI BUSINESSMEN IN CHAGUANAS WERE SITTING DOWN FOR A BREAK IN THEIR SOON TO BE NEW STORE.

THE STORE WASN'T READY YET WITH ONLY A FEW SHELVES SET UP.

ONE SAID TO THE OTHER, 'AH BET ANY MINUTE NOW SOME CHUPIDEE GO PUT HE FACE IN THE WINDOW AND ASK WHAT WE SELLING'.

NO SOONER WERE THE WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHEN SURE ENOUGH A CURIOUS WINDOW SHOPPER WALKED TO THE WINDOW, HAD A PEEK, AND IN A LOUD VOICE ASKED,'WHAT ALL YUH SELLING HERE?'

ONE OF THE MEN REPLIED SARCASTICALLY,'WE SELLING ARSE-HOLES.'
WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, THE SHOPPER RESPONDED 'BOY, ALL YUH DOING GREAT........ONLY TWO LEFT!' :lol:
Nah! Cyar be Guy & Guy since dey from dong in de bush. . Dem two from Chaguanas so dey had to be from PresHENtation Chaguanas. Guy & Guy wudda sell de shelves fuh twice de price and gorn an buy more at haff price. ... :D :D :D

[oecarb]

Nah! Cyar be Guy & Guy since dey from dong in de bush. . Dem two from Chaguanas so dey had to be from PresHENtation Chaguanas. Guy & Guy wudda sell de shelves fuh twice de price and gorn an buy more at haff price. ... :D :D :D

Aye man, since when you calling yourself Guy & Guy. You turn Yankee rasta or what? :lol: :lol:

[guyguy]

Nah! Cyar be Guy & Guy since dey from dong in de bush. . Dem two from Chaguanas so dey had to be from PresHENtation Chaguanas. Guy & Guy wudda sell de shelves fuh twice de price and gorn an buy more at haff price. ... :D :D :D

Aye man, since when you calling yourself Guy & Guy. You turn Yankee rasta or what? :lol: :lol:
Jess tryin tuh see if Dotish wudda ketch buh yuh spoil it fuh me man. Of course, ah already knew de answer but ah jess wanted to gie he ah chance anyway. :D :D :D

[pimpag]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!

:lol:

[Falcon]

is for the Target to come back and show you how to spell doltish.

[guyguy]

is for the Target to come back and show you how to spell doltish.
Yuh relly lookin' fuh some good licks oui. Fuh starters, yuh mite want tuh lorn how tuh write ah correk sentence in de future, And ah wud love tuh hear yuh call someboddy doltish on High Street. Dey go senn yuh bak tuh Henglan one time, Bahahahahahaha !!!. :D :D :D

[Jenny]

very informative jenny :lol:

we men didnt really need to know all that :lol:

just thought I'd mention it so you guys can have a better understanding... :lol:

[strombo23]

Lois: "Peter, I'm not wearing any panties."

Peter: "That's ok, honey. We can throw that chair out."

[serenity]

Loved this.

[sylvestter]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes .'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'me .'

[Dappa]

Subject: The 4 stages of trini love


Ah yes the universal truth, LOVE. Everybody falls in love sometime,
everybody needs somebody sometime (I know someone famous sang that, I
just can't remember who). All of us have been in LOVE at one point.
Love, Amor, Amour, Liebe, Amore, call it what you want, it happens.
But nobody could fall in Love like a Trini. We have stages of love and
yuh boy goin to elaborate the schematics of this ting call love:

STAGE 1 - BAZODEE - Pronounced (Bah-Zoh-Deeeeeeeeee)
The boy meets the girl and buterflies fill his stomach. Every touch is
electric, every glance is dramatic, he lingers on her every word. The
sun reflecting off the morning dew reminds him of the way her eyes
twinkle when the moonlight catches them. The time away seems like an
eternity and when he sees her nothing else matters. He calls everyday
and brings flowers on every date, he even writes her name on the back
of his work pass so she will always be close to his heart.

STAGE 2 - Tutoulbay - Pronounced (Tut-ool-bay)
The girl's boss complains that she takes to many personal calls on the
company phone, so the boy buys her a cell phone and pays the bill too.
He doesnt want her tainted and ogled by the miscreants on the
Maxi-Taxi so he decides to drop her to work and pick her up every day.
This poses a dilema beacause she works further than him. No Problem.
He picks her up at home and gives her the car, so she drops him to
work and keeps the car for the day. His friends dont exist anymore
because she said that they are too crass and he drinks too much during
the week. He takes her shopping and holds the bags, he even sits on
the benches in the middle of the mall while she has her Mani/ Pedi/
Hair day. Oh yes AMORE!!

STAGE 3 - Tabanca - Pronounced (Tah-Bank-Ahhhhhhhh)
So one day while she's shopping in Pennywise and he is sitting outside
in the car waiting, he notices that she left her phone (which he
bought and still pays bills for) by the hand brakes. Curiousity wins,
he picks it up, 'New Message'.... yuh boy cyah help it, he read the
message. 'Yesterday was great. Same time tommorow. Your body is
HOTT'.....But what de Muddah #@$%??? Who de fokk texting my woman so?
Cigarette light up one time. The vein on the forehead start to bulge.
Leg shaking like dat. She returns from Pennywise and tries to hand him
his Credit Card. 'Who de fokk is Andre, where he see you yesterday and
how de fokk he know yuh body hot??' she reels for a second...'Oh
Andre.....am he is my trainer...at the gym and he was commenting on my
progress, you know i go to the gym to look good for you baby'.....yuh
hear lie!!!....So yuh boy calm dong, or so she thinks. Ah fellah
called Cudjoe (for you Trinis that don't know, Cudjoe is a Private
Detective Agency, yes we have dat in Trinidad). Cudjoe follow she for
a week and reports to Mr. Loverman. 'Sir she has been going to the
gym, TO PICK UP ANDRE, and then they proceded to Econo Guest House
(before Jo Sing Pasta in Kelly.... I Think LOL) they spent 2 hours and
then she came to pick you up.' WHAT DE MUDDAH #@$%!!!!! As she reach
is cuss...'Yuh fokkin hoe, gimme meh damn phone!', PASHAW (Trinidadian
Onomatapia for the sound of something breaking) the phone hit the
ground. 'Ah goh kill yuh Muddah #@%$, after all i do for you, dat is
how u go repay me???.' 'But honey..' she attempts to speak. 'Doh
fokkin honey me, i know bout you and Andre and fokkin Econo Guest
house'.........she breaks down in tears 'You were smothering me, i
found comfort in Andre's arms, I need space'....'Space??' he fires
back 'Is Muddah #@$% space yuh want?? Yuh is a fokkin
astronaut??'....she begins to cry uncontollably. Meanwhile the Rapid
Response 999 vehicle noticed the comotion, one time they done assume
he ress a cut ass on she. Of course she cyah stop cryin so she can't
confirm or deny the allegation( conveniently). Is jail in he ass!!!


STAGE 4 - Foofooloomps - Pronounced (Fou-Fou-Loumps)
After a good cut ass from the police followed the next morning by
sincere apologies for the 'misunderstanding'. He sits at home, calls
in sick for work for two weeks. Radio is stuck on 97 (Love Hurts by
Nazereth is playing). The man doh answer no calls. He stop shaving and
bathing, only on a have to must to basis. He tried calling her
4,345,876 times everyday to say he sorry and he want to make back up.
She mother change the home number. Das it!!! He pick up the SHARP CD
player and he gone. There he stands baring his soul playing 'Baby Come
Back - Vanessa Hudgens'. The window cracks, his heart leaps, a shadow
appears....it's Andre and he is informed that a restraining order was
taken out and the police are on the way. Not wanting the same royal
treatment from the cops, he exits stage left. He was last seen on
Curepe Junction drinking a bottle of Bay Rum singing 'Baby Come
Back.......



ah still cyar stop laffing!
Good One. Take ah stripe fer that one!

[Dappa]

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

:-[

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?





Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
>A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

>Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
>A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

>QWhy girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
>A: They don't have balls to scratch


THE MOTHER OF ALL LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES!


Patrick manning and Colim Imbert, while visiting a primary school class,
> found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and
> their meanings.
>
> The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the
> discussion of the word 'tragedy'.
>
> So the illustrious Manning asks the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
>
> One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, was traveling
> in a maxi taxi and it hit a pothole and ran off the road and he died,
> that would be a tragedy.
>
> ' No,' says Manning, 'that would be an accident.'
>
> A little girl raised her hand: 'If my mommy and daddy and got
> kidnapped and the bandits took the money but still killed them,
> that would be a tragedy.'
>
> 'I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Imbert 'That's what we would
> call a great loss.'
>
> The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
> Imbert searches the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give
> me an example of a tragedy?'
>
> Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand.
>
> In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane carrying Prime Minister Patrick
> Manning and Minister Colim Imbert was suddenly blown to
> smithereens that would be a tragedy.
>
> 'Fantastic!' exclaims Manning,
>
> 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
>
> 'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell wouldn't be no
> great loss, and it probably wouldn't be no accident either.'




Only a Trini could think like that and get away with it.

Jonesy buy a donkey from Ramsingh, a old farmer pardner, for $300.

Ramsingh agree to deliver the donkey the next day.

Next day, Ramsingh drive up and said, 'Sorry Jonesy but I have some bad
news. The donkey dead.''

'Well gie me back meh money,'' said Jonesy .

'Worse news boy, I went and spen it already.''

'OK, then. Just unload the donkey.''

'Wha yuh go do wid him?'' asked Ramsingh.

'You doh worry, I go raffle him.''

'You cyar raffle a dead donkey. Yuh mad or what!''

'Who say so...you makin joke. Watch me. I ent telling nobody he
dead,'' said Jonesy .

A month later Ramsingh bounce up Jonesy in the market.

'Jonesy , wha happen with yuh dead donkey boy?''

Jonesy replied, 'Ah raffle him off nuh. Ah sell 500 tickets at five
dollars and ah rake in $2,500.''

'No body eh make noise?'' 'Only de fella who win. So ah gie him back he
five dollars!'


A Grenadian drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Grenada our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same
glass twice"

A Guyanese , obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his sawed-off shot gun and shoots the
glass to pieces. He says, "In Guyana we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice
either.

A trini maxi-taxi driver, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his 9mm. gun andshoots the Grenadian and the Guyanese, and catches his glass.
He says, "In trinidad, we have so many Grenadians and Guyanese that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
We love Trinis 2 BAD !

[sylvestter]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

this was good

[serenity]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith'

[Silky]

Got these in e-mail:


The Washcloth


For the Ladies.....this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointmen t with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.



I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes , hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing t h e procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.



I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.



After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied,'No, I need the one ---that was here by the sink,--- it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.


UNC vs PNM
UNC FISHERMAN
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above
a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a UNC'

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information,
and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a PNM.'

'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault, not yours!!

[snowbird]

..... Trinis yuh kar take dem anywhere :lol:

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "Ah have to talk to you, yes." It have some Trinis up here in Heaven who causing real problems.
Dey swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn missing, BBQ sauce and curry all over dey robe; cow-heel, chicken foot and pigtail bone all over the streets of Gold.
Some ah dem walkin around with one wing saying is ah style. Dey late taking turn keeping de stairway to Heaven clean, it have ah setta watermelon seed all over the clouds and dem Dey only playing ah setta soca an dub, some ah dem protesting saying dat they entitled to public holidays and carnival.
Some ah dem ent wearing dey halos, saying "it doh fit with dey hairstyles". The Lord said, " I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call up the Devil".
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Yes, Lord ........wha de...... hole on a minute."
The devil returned to the phone and said, "Yeah Lord, wha yuh want?"
The Lord replied, "Tell me what kinds of problems you are having down there..." The devil said, "Ooohh... hold on... hold on" and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Eh heh... what it is yuh ask meh jus now?"
The Lord said, "What kinds of problems are you having down there?" The devil said, "Buh eh, eh ....look, hole orn...." This time the devil was gone for 15 minutes.
The devil returned and said, "Look I sorry eh, but I cyah talk to yuh right now nah. Dem Trinis and dem put out de fire again, and now dey installing air conditioning in meh place".

[guyguy]

Subject: Time off.

A Trini in Manhattan urgently needed a few days off work to go home for Carnival, but knew the Boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted 'CRAZY' then the bossman would tell him to take a few days off.
So he decided to hang upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker (who's blonde) asked him what he was doing. He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think he was 'CRAZY' and give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked the Trini: 'What are you doing?'
He told the bossman that he was a light bulb. The bossman said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days.' The Trini jumped down and walked out of the office.
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him out the door, the Boss asked her, 'and where do you think you're going?'
She replied, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

[snowbird]

An older gentleman was complemented by a few of his friends for always addressing his wife with a term of endearment.

They noted that he always addressed her as either...... Darling, Honey-bunch, Sweetheart, My Love, My Dearest, and so on.

When asked what was the secret ? he replied ....." her name; I've forgotten what her name is".

[syxxi-fux]

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Thank God that's a joke. That has never happened to me but if it did I would surely cry. Public restrooms are smelly and messy. They should be fined for having public restrooms in the conditions like that. We spend our money at these places and they can't even keep it clean and stocked with supplies.

But you know that if 'you' were to wipe yourself with the tissue you blew your nose in, you stand a chance of getting an infection. 'You' would be better off letting your legs shake a little more and letting the 'p' drip a lil bit more then going about your business like men do. That's the only thing i could think of a person doing in a situation like that. lol

[Dappa]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'



Dad says,” Well son, let me try to explain it this way:





I am the head of the family, so call me The President.


Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.


Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.



He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.


So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.




Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door


Locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.




He gives up and goes back to bed




The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”


The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think


politics is all about.'



T he little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.'

[dancerboy]

You ever hear the joke about the bread ?




IT STALE.


DANCERBOY

[Dappa]

You ever hear the joke about the bread ?




IT STALE.


DANCERBOY


i have one that better


Ah man paint he house green and ah cow pass and eat it!!


LMAO :D :D :D :D

[serenity]

Crass but still funny.

[dancerboy]

Crass but still funny.
And when dey married dey get constipated, beacuse dey full of s13245t.

DANCERBOY

[lexbarker]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled
trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering
and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of crap.

[dancerboy]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled
trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering
and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of crap. LEX my friend, ah think you been drinking too much ah water.

DANCERBOY

[kemist]

50 Top Headlines

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted

4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9.Stud Tires Out

10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15.Eye Drops off Shelf

16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30.War Dims Hope for Peace

31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35.Deer Kill 17,000

36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50.Air Head Fired

[dancerboy]

I saw two signs on a chinese laundry today. One said: all work done on promises(should be premises). The other sign said: ladies if you drop your pants here we give you immediate attention.

DANCERBOY

[Amelia]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that biatch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Amelia]

CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --->Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven ---What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[dancerboy]

CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --->Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven ---What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. VERY GOOD. is this course being taught by a man ?

DANCERBOY

[Ali]

I didn check to see if this was posted before :?

A man enters Club ZEN in Port of Spain and orders a drink. ZEN has a new robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him: 'What's your IQ?'

The man replies '150' and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and spirituality,biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual
proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, 'This is really cool.' He decides to test the robot. He walks out of ZEN, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, 'What's your IQ?' The man responds, 'about a 100.' Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves ZEN and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, 'What's your IQ?' The man replies, 'uhh, 50, I think.' And the robot says... Real slowly, 'So............... Yuh gonna vote for Manning again?'

[Amelia]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station ..... and then the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago -- and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....
************************************************** *********************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah? Well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him, smiled a little and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....

[dancerboy]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Egged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decidedit was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. How do you feel about sex ?, he asked, rather tentatively. I would like it INFREQUENTLY, she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over, kissed her and whispered. Is INFRQUENYLY, one word or two ?

DANCERBOY

[blit105]

"Student-Teacher Exchanges"


1. TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
ago.
WILLIE: Me!

7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

11. TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

12. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

13. TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

What you expect us to read all of that and then laugh.

[Amelia]

Sesame Street Woes

>It was such a pleasant surprise when I saw The One and Only, Cookie Monster make an appearance on Sesame Streeta couple weeks ago on the Colbert Report. My heart skipped a beat or three in pure excitement and jubilation. See anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a HUGE fan of Sesame Street… ole school Sesame Street though. That's why, mere nanoseconds and moments later, the words that exited Cookie Monster's mouth sounded like finger nails screeching down a chalk board. It was a dagger through the heart. Cookie Monster professed that he no longer eats cookies!

***?!?!?!

Yes. That right. That bastard has given up the cookie dough goodness…and for what? Fruits! ***** Fruits! Now this is some bull****! I was livid… irate… bubbling with anger and confusion. How could this be? What the hell is happening on the Streets of Sesame?!
Apparently American kids are just so obese, or maybe just easily led
astray by furry, fuzzy, blue, googly-eyed monsters, that they had to
alter The C-Mon's diet to fruits. Couldn't they have just created a
new, effeminate, fruit eating monster, aptly named 'Banana Hammock' or something, to fill the role of healthy eating? Why did they have to screw with an icon like that?! And if the bag of ***** that made this
decision truly believed that The C-Mon was the problem, they're wrong.

Cookie Monster wasn't the one importing all those delicious cookies
onto the Streets of Sesame. That Monster was just a user… a pawn in an elaborate cookie peddling scheme. He was at the bottom of the Cookie Pushing ladder. They should've gone after the ones who were bringing that cookie-dough-crack into the community… I never did trust that Maria. She seems like a smuggler.

No but seriously. I haven't watched Sesame Streetin ages so I really
wasn't aware of all the changes they've made. Like I said, I'm only a
supporter of the ole school, 70's, 80's to early 90's Sesame Street.
You know the days when Mr. Harold Hooper was still in our memories.
And if you're too young to know who Mr. Hooper is, or don't know of
Mr. Hooper's Store, then it's your generation that has f****d up
Sesame Street for the rest of us.

The last time I stumbled upon Sesame StreetI saw that the show wasn't even about the Street anymore. The majority of the show was centered 'round that giggling, red-wooly, no talent hack, bastard Elmo. Who tha **** died and made this jolly ***** King?! The last time I checked, back in my day when Sesame Streetwas still all the rage, Kermit the Frog was King. He was the main attraction. That amphibian ruled the Streets with a green, gangly iron fist. Everyone there was just Kermit's bitch. He wasn't an overly hyper, attention seeking, merchandising sellout, camera whore…. Elmo!!! Kermit was cooler than the other side of the pillow… too cool for Sesame Street as a matter of fact, thus he just chillaxed in a swamp… sipping on mojitos. And Kermit was up to his froggy neck in all sorts of adventurous shenanigans in the 80's and 90's (see Muppet Movies). Where's your blockbuster feature film Elmo? Oh… that's what I thought… amateur! And don't forget that Kermit was smooth with the ladies. Ms. Piggy was all over his **** for like… forever. But the Kermiester was just too playa to settle down. Elmo, where are your ladies? Oh… that's what I thought… lame-ass! Also, Kermit the Frog did the Sesame Street News Flash skits… this genius amphibian read the goddamn news too! Lemme see Elmo do that ****! He can't! Why? Because he could barely even speak and form proper sentences… constantly speaking in the third person and all! Sheesh!

With all this unnecessary change I'm afraid to gaze my eyes and lend
my ears to any recent episodes of Sesame Street. I'm afraid that I'll
tune in and see that Snuffleupagus will no longer be depressed because the producers thought it'd be a great idea to treat him with Zoloft. I'm afraid that I won't see Oscar the Grouch in a trash can anymore because the 'suits' thought he perpetuated and glorified the homeless lifestyle, and thus they cleaned him up and moved him into a penthouse suite at the top of #123 Sesame StreetApartment Building (yes that is the real address… I kid you not). I'm afraid that I will no longer see Ernie and Bert sharing a small, basement, studio apartment anymore because some homophobic executive thought that their living situationwas 'sending the wrong message' to our kids. I'm afraid that there maybe some characters that are now lost and forgotten, with their memories being reduced to pictures plastered at the side of milk cartons like my furry ole pal Grover, America's favorite game show host Guy Smiley, The Amazing Mumford (beat that David Blaine), Barkley, Telly Monster, and classic segments like Teeny Little Super Guy.

I swear to you, I truly believe that Jim Henson is rolling in hisgrave. The man had a vision. A vision that is probably now diluted and
weakened by our modern day society. I'm a simple man. A simple man who just wants his old school, childhood goodness to remain classics and not be f****d with. I just want to see that furry, fuzzy, blue,
googly-eyed monster hop back on the wagon (or is it fall off the
wagon?), and begin overdosing on Cookies again.

[quentin]

Men are born Loosers.

I say it is untrue.

Men spend just about nine months , trying to get out of one.
When out they spend ,the rest of their life trying to get back into one.
So the saying ." Men are loosers before they were born"

[Amelia]

^^^LOSERS, men are LOSERS.

[Amelia]

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,


' Picabo, ICU. '

[Amelia]

hilarious!

[dancerboy]

hilarious!
That's what ah like about true TRINIS, we could still laugh at ourselves in the face of adversity.

DANCERBOY

[lexbarker]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is fartheraway... Florida
or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida????'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to
the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[guyguy]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will nevercrash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

[Amelia]

Remember this one from primary school?


Four Friends - Tambran, Ice, Curry, & Currants walking down the road when dey hear a gun shot,



BODOOOW!!!



Currants roll, Ice scream, Curry Duck and Tambran bawl...

[guyguy]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?


--- And the best for last: ---


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[lexbarker]

Good one Guy, ah still deddin wid laff.

[Amelia]

Biblical Headlines

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal
media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock :lol:

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

[Harry Williamn]

TTONLINE HEAD LINES 08/16/2008

" Read all about it! Read all about it!"

Old fowl ( posing as Bird hiding in snow )Captured and roasted and eaten by Hungry Candaians starving for "

Trini Meat!" So sad because she was asked to Fly Home for Independence!

[snowbird]

Dedicated to Harry; this is how you tell a joke Harry, take note:

....... A Bandit in search of his next victim stakes out a swanky restaurant; he spots an affluent gentleman making his way to the parking lot; the bandit follows the man, and at an opportune time sticks a gun in the man's back and says........ "This is a hold-up, give me all of your money".

The indignant man replied.... "You cannot rob me, I'm a Politician"; the bandit thinks for a minute, then says...... "You are correct Sir, please give me all of MY MONEY". (bar-rump- bum!!!)

[Harry Williamn]

Sorry snowbird I was telling the facts about you and that is no joke!

[guyguy]

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS OUR NEW POLICY

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY



Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

Pass this on to all who are employed!

[Amelia]

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning

... Uphill...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay

A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

And how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!

...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
Was only m-net And there was no on screen menu and no remote
Control!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

If we wanted Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
And shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

[snowbird]

With the results of the latest election polls in the US in the spotlight, it is said that Black Americans are simply...... 'glowin'.
On the other hand, it is said that 'White Americans are tragically ........ palin.

[Falcon]

Aye snow, yuh will close dong the thread with stale joke like dis eh.....jes saying, Slyvester have little patience with bad joke thread. 8-)

[snowbird]

If Syl have ah problem wid bad jokes.... den he shudden have you on here :o

[Falcon]

meh rest meh case

[Amelia]

If Syl have ah problem wid bad jokes.... den he shudden have you on here :o

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yuh look fuh dat eh Falcs. :mrgreen:

[Falcon]

arkse perijove about fowl business and cakaroach. :evil:

[Amelia]

still funny :lol:

ask wolfie about pm's if yuh want privacy. :P

[snowbird]

still funny :lol:

ask wolfie about pm's if yuh want privacy. :P

Maybe Falcs takin medication tuh prevent he 'PMS' .........Private message selection :lol:

O.K. Falcs we better stop ganging up on yuh :)

[Ali]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

[guyguy]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[kemist]

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

[lexbarker]

Yesterday in Washington, the secret service arrested a man who climbed over
the White House fence.

The secret service told the man "Get back here Mr. President, you have two
more months."

[lexbarker]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

[kemist]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?


Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.'

[lexbarker]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

[draja]

Old Seth goes to the doctor to see about erection problems. "I'll be
ridin' the tractor on the south 20," Seth said, "and the warm sun
and the tractor vibratin' gets it up! But by the time I can get back
to the house and maw gets ready, it's down--and I can't get it back
up. Can you give me somethin' to help keep it up?"

The doc says no, he can't. Age carries its price. But--perhaps some
signal could be arranged and maw would be prepared as paw arrived at
the house? Maybe maw could even meet him halfway?

"A great idea!" says Seth. "There's a little grove about halfway to
the house from where I'm plowin'. Me and maw used to have sex there
when we were younger! It'd be a great spot. I'll carry my shotgun
and when it's all up and hard, I'll fire it and she'll get there
same time as I do. Thanks doc!"

Time passes. The doctor meets Seth at the bank one morning and asks
how he's doing. Seth says he's okay. The doc asks how Seth's wife
is, and Seth says, "Poor maw, she's dead!"

"Sorry to hear that," says the doc. "How did she die?"
"Just run herself to death durin' the quail season," said Seth.

[draja]

Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't

"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

"How many are coming?"

"Just lay back and take it easy I'll do the rest."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn. You'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat!"

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"Just reach in and grab the giblets."

"Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

"I am in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

"Talk about a HUGE breast!"

"And he forces his way into the end zone!"

"She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her
down."

"It's cool whip time!"

"If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

"It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
out."

[draja]

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while
their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man,
"Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You
are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has
given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
him what was wrong.
He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

[draja]

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told
Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
suggestions as to where to go.?
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.?
I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me
to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant
again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

[Falcon]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

[lexbarker]

After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, 'Honey, 41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got
to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal. Now I have a
$500,00000 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not
holding up your side of things.' My wife is a very reasonable woman. She
told me to go out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap
car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white
TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a
mid-life crisis...PRICELESS!

[draja]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was
to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all
the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is
Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would
be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

Larry

[draja]

A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their
honeymoon. When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was

his honeymoon. He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed. "

His friend asks him why he was disappointed. He replies, "Well, when

we were nose to nose, my toes were in it. When we were toes to toes,

my nose was in it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk
to."

[guyguy]

The Mule

Jake, a farmer, had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked,

"Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale?" I shook my head from side to side.

[guyguy]

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

[Amelia]

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human

Race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;

They had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same

Question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago

There were monkeys from which the human race

Evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said,

'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human

Race was created by God, and Mom said they developed

From monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family, and your mother

Told you about hers.'

[Angie]

Ah borrow this eh, so doh laugh

In the U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;

UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves;

Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;

Ghana, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;

Trinidad, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

[guyguy]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[snowbird]

The carnival season is upon us, so I am giving a little advice to you.....[attachment=0:3e32skxp]00 A rum bottle.jpg[/attachment:3e32skxp]

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN....

against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.....Buh enjoy de season....

[guyguy]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do shopping for clothes or groceries in 25 minutes.

Is it any wonder that men are happier?

[guyguy]

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.......I'm a Gynecologist.'

The Proctologist fainted.

[roger]

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

*** Gosh!!! Listen to these men bashers.

In defense of us, it is not that we are "not able to see" wrinkles: we do see them. Thing is we are "able to not see" them.

If you notice we walk with heads up when wearing clothes like that...that's not proud confidence...it's called pretending clothes are all right by avoiding looking down at them.


Roger

[saltwater]

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .

[guyguy]

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

*** Gosh!!! Listen to these men bashers.

In defense of us, it is not that we are "not able to see" wrinkles: we do see them. Thing is we are "able to not see" them.

If you notice we walk with heads up when wearing clothes like that...that's not proud confidence...it's called pretending clothes are all right by avoiding looking down at them.


Roger
Roger,
You really need to develop a sense of humor man. Yuh sure you iz ah Trini?

[Angie]

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!"

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner...
You could have called instead?"

[Angie]

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little chit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh chit, we're pucked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"