Ad so it goes ...

[guyguy]

The Hammer
One day, when a carpenter was working next to a river, his
hammer fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "My child, what is wrong?" The carpenter
replied that his only hammer had fallen into the water and
that he needed it so that he could keep working and make a
living for his family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a
solid gold hammer with a handle wrapped in rich, brown
leather. "Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked.

The carpenter replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a platinum
hammer with a handle set with diamonds. "Is this your
hammer?" the Lord asked.

Again, the carpenter replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a plain, worn
out iron hammer.

"Is this your hammer?" the Lord asked.

The carpenter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all
three hammers to keep, and the carpenter went home happy.


Some years later, the carpenter was walking with his wife
along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "What is wrong child?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina
Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the carpenter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The carpenter replied, "Oh, forgive me my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina
Jolie, you would have come up with Beyonce. Then if I said
'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then
said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not
in the best of health and would not be able to take care of
all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Angelina.

And so the Lord let him keep her.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it's for a
good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of all
others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
Us Men

[guyguy]

MORE USELESS INFO THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


.... (God love that pig!)

[guyguy]

A little humor . . .

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.''

The new priest cro sses h is arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says: 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No sh!t. What happened next?

[KFCSpicy]

lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

:? I alone laffing we.

[guyguy]

Woodpeckers

An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[guyguy]

THREE WOMEN IN A SAUNA

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY."THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........
WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX

[dancerboy]

THREE WOMEN IN A SAUNA

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY."THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........
WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX VERY GOOD ONE .
DANCERBOY

[dancerboy]

A lady walks into a grocery on monday, and ask the clerk if he has any fresh brocoli, to which he replied no madame, we only have frozen, and canned brocoli. She came back tuesday and asked the same question, and recieved the same reply. She came back again on wednesday with the same question. The clerk then asked the lady, CAN U SPELL CAT AS IN CATASTORPHE, she said yes and spelt CAT, he then said CAN U SPELL DOG AS IN DOGMA, she said yes,and spelt DOG. Then he said CAN U SPELL FORK AS IN BROCOLI, She replied, but young man THERE IS NO FORK-IN BROCOLI. HE SAID THAT'S WHAT AH BEEN TRYING TO TELL U ALL WEEK.
DANCERBOY

[KFCSpicy]

:o :lol: :mrgreen: :D :lol: :lol: :lol: lmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

way to go dancer.

[KFCSpicy]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does "varicose" mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word "benign" mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

:shock:

[snowbird]

......Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour .....
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

does anybody know if there are any calories in Aspirin?

[dancerboy]

A young couple was arguing, who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman. They saw an older couple (OK KFC),so the woman asks the man 'WHO ENJOYS SEX MORE,THE MAN OR THE WOMAN ? The man asked her to take her index finger, and put it in her ear AS IF TO RELIEVE AN ITCHING. AFTER DOING IT, THE MAN THEN ASK HER, 'WHERE DO YOU FEEL A BETTER SENSATION, IN YOUR EAR, OR ON YOUR FINGER ?

DANCERBOY

[guyguy]

Never turn your nose up at anyone...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied:"My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two Weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends .

[dancerboy]

A 5 year old girl went to school for the first day. When she got home, her mother asked her what she learnt in school today.
She replied, mom i learned to stand on my head. The mother repiled, SERENE, you mustn't do that, the boys will see your panty. SERENE repiled, mom you think ah stupid, ah does take it off.

DANCERBOY

[guyguy]

Have You Seen Ed??
Ed was in trouble...He had forgotten his wedding anniversary! His wife was
very angry. She told him "tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, and it better be
there!"

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife awoke,
she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box
in the middle of the driveway. Confused with the size of the box, she threw on
her robe and ran outside to get the gift and brought it into the house. She
opened the box only to find a bathroom scale inside.

Ed has been missing since Friday...Please pray for him!



AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments about lifting/closing/flushing the toilet
by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

5. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.

[guyguy]

Italian Boy's Confession


Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"


"4 months vacation and five good leads."

[Dappa]

Lessons in Logic!!
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate
but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
-------------------------------------------------------
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
-------------------------------------------------------
Practice makes perfect...
But nobody's perfect...so why practice?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?


-----------------------------------------------------------------
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Behind every successful man, there is a woman,
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The wise never marry.
And when they do marry, they become otherwise.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Never put off the work till tomorrow
What you can put off today.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
------------------------------------------------------------------
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So…why learn.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A bus station is where a bus stops…
A train station is where a train stops…
On my desk I have a work station…
What more can I say…?
-----------------------------------------------------







10 BEST EXCUSES WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT FALLING ASLEEP ON YOUR DESK:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here
just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

(that one works for me!!) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:





Things To Ponder


(1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


(2) Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there..? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."


(3) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


(4) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


(5) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


(6) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


(7) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


(8) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


(9) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


(10) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


(11) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??


(12) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


(13) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


(14) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?


(15) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on..........


(16) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


(17) Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?


(18) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


(19) Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?





DRIVING LIKE AH TRINI.

It have some thig dah yuh hah tuh remember bout being ah TRINI driver:

1: Green light mean GO, yellow light mean speed up, red light mean floor ‘d gas an pray nutten eh hit yuh!

2: Only one hand shud be on d steering wheel at all times. D odder one shud be used for holding ah drink, eatin, diggin yuh nose, or (when not in use) jus hanging out d window.

3: De rearview and side mirrors, dey for use as ah 3-way mirror tuh check yuh hair an make-up (yuh know how much oman I does see putting on dey make-up an usin’ d mirrors.

4: Stay away from vehicles pulling trailers an wit de words ‘MACK’, ‘INTERNATIONAL’, ‘ERF’, ‘KENWORTH’,or ‘PETERBUILT’ on de grille……dem is death on wheels.

5: De speed limit is only ah number yuh had tuh remember tuh pass yuh regulations.

6: Wen de police pull yuh over, de only way to avoid ah strip-search an ah ticket is tuh say: ‘Yes’, ‘No’, and ‘Officer’.

7: wen yuh drivin’ in de nite, put yuh light on de high beam tuh blind odder drivers commin in de next direction……ent dem does do you dat??

8: Try an see how fast yuh could ‘drag off’ from de lites in yuh B-13 so dat yuh could say yuh discipline ah Ferrari dat wuz in de lane nex tuh yuh. Do dis even if de Ferrari driver eh even takin’ yuh on.

9: Yuh eyes shud be everywhere else, EXCEPT on de road. Dey shud be checkin’ out oman, maccoin big car, tryin tuh see who driving de Benz on de side, watchin out for ah watermelon/ corn/ doubles vendor.

10: Dem lines on de road is jus for decoration, yuh could drive how ever yuh want, yuh is ah TRINI, de road is yours.

[guyguy]

Irish Priest Humor

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from
his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The
conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself,Sergeant! This is Father O'Malley
at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would
ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley
then replied:
"Aye, tis certainly true...but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[guyguy]

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the
patients were shouting ,"13!....13!....13!"

The fence was too high to see over - but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through it to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, "14!....14!....14!!..."

[Dappa]

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the
patients were shouting ,"13!....13!....13!"

The fence was too high to see over - but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through it to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, "14!....14!....14!!..."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: rolllllmmmffaaaaaoooooo
OH GOD AYE! i cyar ketch meh breath yet!

[guyguy]

Sent to me by a friend;

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child.

Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses , whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even reached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

[guyguy]

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[dancerboy]

GOOD ONE GUYGUY. Do you still keep your condoms in your car ?, Because, if you do you just got caught,since i just E-MAIL this to your better half.

DANCERBOY

[guyguy]

GOOD ONE GUYGUY. Do you still keep your condoms in your car ?, Because, if you do you just got caught,since i just E-MAIL this to your better half.

DANCERBOY
Ah put in ah spam filter in she email program - especially fuh your emails. Yuh go get meh kill or wuss, castrated oui. :D :D :D

[guyguy]

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so polite!



Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great."
Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC!"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --

[guyguy]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I know her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.



"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[guyguy]

Tax Audit at Synagogue

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

[guyguy]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke. and well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch everyday.'

[guyguy]

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[guyguy]

2008 Tax Code ......

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !